Sometimes I feel as if my life couldn't get any stranger... but then... it does

i'm really starting to get frustrated with life in general. why do things keep going the way they are? can we please catch a break?

so danny is now jobless... and he doesn't really know what he wants to do with himself. so i believe as of right now he is planning to mooch off of unemployment. i just wish things would happen differently.

we may end up getting married before the end of the year so i can claim him on my tax return and he can claim me on unemployment. oh why oh why do these things happen to us

today is our eight year anniversary. i just can't believe it. weird... it feels like it was just yesterday that i was 15 and fell in love. i'm so thankful for my relationship. i wish i felt better

i can't seem to catch a freakin break...

just got back from the dr., pharmacy, and giving my note to work, because i have to be out until at least Thursday. i don't really know how i got pneumonia or why but serious, i'd really love a break right now... i mean its my second week of work and i already had to call in sick. i feel so pathetic. i actually never called in, i went to work this morning with hopes of just sitting in the office doing my paperwork but the caseload got about 10 (god forbid) and the two COTAs didn't think they were going to be able to handle it. so i said, well i'm not feeling all that great i really don't think i should be doing pt. care today. so i was sent home and to the dr.

i was planning on going to the dr today anyway.. danny may have had a nervous breakdown last night. he envisioned me getting sick and staying sick just like his dad he actually had emotions last night and let them be known, i was impressed. he got invited to go to raw tonight but he doesn't want to go because he feels bad that i'll be home sick. i told him i want him to go, but i know hes just really worried about me getting to the point his dad got to with pneumonia... i guess i really can't blame him. i hope i can force him to go tonight because he deserves to go have some fun!

why are there so many things that make you question who you are... but then so few times that assure you you're going to be alright...?

I started my career today... 8 hours only seemed like 4, the people i work with are interesting and i know that i can learn a lot from them. i'm really excited to get going and hopefully do something great for the facility. i seemed to get along well with all of the staff, its just so strange having it be the county home and not a private... i'll get over it, i'm sure of it. they have a dementia unit with lots and lots of beds, its hard to even sit at the nurses station and do work because there are so many people screaming and crying. Those are the people i really can't wait to work with, and hopefully make a difference to them, i know they will probably never learn my name but for these people to live without anything or any memories they deserve everything that can get...

i know i'll love my job.

danny is amazing... i got home to flowers an ice cream cake and his plans for dinner... :)

Looks life I'll be starting work on Monday... I'm so excited!!!!

am i more excited or more nervous? only time will tell! :-)

Finally heard from Geico, his car is not totaled, thank god, it came in just under the 10,000 dollars in damage considered to be totaled... so good, we just have to pay 500 bucks, that we don't have... haha well at least he's okay... things could always be worse, i always have to remind myself that.

i'm still hoping, but still waiting to hear about starting work on Monday... PLEASE! PLEASE PLEASE!

danny got a call from geico today... they said they don't know about his car yet because they can't get it to start and still don't know why... i just want a friggin answer... expect the worst, hope for the best...

i went down to letchworth state park this morning... i felt pathetic going by myself, but i've been wanting to go all summer and today i figured would be the best day to go since they had their craft fair and all... the park seemed so dull, i couldn't believe the difference that it makes when you go to a place like that alone... i'm still not sure why i decided to go alone, but i felt like i had no other choice.

my car is on its way out, and i'm attempting not to notice... it stalls almost anytime its under 1000 RPMs and the brakes aren't applied... its quite obviously the transmission and i just really don't want to think about it. especially now that danny still owes 15,000 on his car... dear got i hope its not totaled...

fall is in full force, the leaves are beautiful but i just don't want winter to come. because all that means is one more season before we get married. i have nothing planned... i don't like that. not that i don't want to get married, its just a matter of not being ready. i want things perfect and my life is lacking perfect.

why is it that no matter what i do, i always have the sickening feeling i'm wrong...

danny hit a dear on his way to work today... he may have totaled his car, we're not sure yet... i didn't hear my phone the 12 times he called me to come pick him up... he had to call his mom. wow i feel like shit

sometimes i wish the weather didn't make me miserable. i want it to be nice out, perhaps then i would feel a little better and want to do more than just sit here. i feel like a failure right now, i'm laying on the couch watching tv while dan is upstairs doing interview for a second job and some extra money for us. what do i bring in? whatever shit i get from JCP... i can't wait to quit my job there, although i just can't imagine not talking with my coworkers anymore. things just seem to be dull and uneventful, even though things have been eventful. why is that? i would be okay with just laying in bed with someone all day... just the warmth and that little bit of closeness... perhaps those days are gone, i only wish they weren't. perhaps this all has to do with my fear of growing up. i just don't know what to do with myself. i want to make someone proud and i want to be the provider...

maybe one day.

for some reason i am feeling selfish about feeling bad about myself.
i have also come to the conclusion that just because you don't like someone doesn't mean you should talk shit about them. i will become a good person, i will force myself to do it.

it's been a long while, but for some reason i feel like i need to do this...

i've been feeling bad about myself for the past few months, i try not to let it show, but something just isn't right. i feel like i cannot accomplish anything to anyone's standards let alone my own standards. i know i shouldn't care what other people think, because i always tell everyone else not to care, but for some strange reason i just keep seeking approval that just really isn't there. i have gotten many things that i have been longing for, graduating, signing a contract, moving in with danny, and finally being out on my own, but i just cannot seem to figure out what my issue is... things would be great if everything seemed so genuine. i have this sickening feeling that everything is falling apart rather than being put back together.

i keep having these jealous issues about nothing in particular. i just wish that i was someone else sometimes. i'm not even sure i like who i am. i'm not sure danny even likes who i am, he just stays with me because i'm comfortable for him. sometimes i question friendships, love, and family and wonder what sick joke i'm in the middle of... if i can't seem to like myself, why should anyone else? who knows. all i want is to know it can't get better and that i should be truly genuinely happy. i know that may be the dumbest thing ever to have someone else tell me i should be happy... i need to get myself out of this rut. i can only hope that once i begin working and having a schedule other than cleaning, cooking, going on facebook, and watching tv i will feel better about myself and my life. for some strange reason i'm having this sickening feeling that i am ruining someone else's life along with my own.

if i go down in flames, i want to do it alone...

So I guess it has been more than a while, but I finally have something worth posting!
I am an aunt to the cutest little baby boy ever... He was born on Mother's day May 10 at 1:46am , he weight 6lbs 12 oz and was 19 inches. I may very well be in love :-D

My cat is driving me fucking insane... I can't get her off of my pillow to go to sleep... I let her sleep on the bed but dear god! GET THE FUCK OFF MY PILLOW!

I'm going to be an aunt :)



tee-hee... I knew she was pregnant all along!!!!!!!!!

I'm starting to wonder why things happen the way they do. I know I shouldn't question things because you're always better off not knowing the real answer. I feel like I need some type of explanation of what is going on, and what will happen in the future.

Experiences have lead me to believe that it really is not possible to go through life being rational all the time. Why is that? What is the meaning of being here anyway? What am I accomplishing? Maybe I'm just wasting space.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere, well with the exception of one place, but that is where I feel most free. Maybe I'm not as good of a person as I have thought previously. Maybe I should fade away into the background.

Depression does not look good on me.

If there is a God, I want to know why they took him, why now? We needed him, and if there is a God, I want them to know that I am angry. Sometimes life is not all its cracked up to be. What is the point, I hate to question it, but I really need and want to know.

Tears do not help anything I know, they are not going to solve my problems. Perhaps just make things worse.

I just feel like it's so unfair that I am still here when there are so many other people who have so much more to live for. Is tragedy in life punishment? What are we being punished for... will it ever stop? Why do sad songs make everything better?

Thinking is for the weak.

My sister told me that we are of that age where we have to start dealing with death of those who are closest to us. I would have never thought that I would be dealing with these types of situations when I was 22 years old. I could never imagine losing a parent at a younger age than now and I still would never want to imagine the loss.

Things were going great for about two weeks, and then another bump in the road was hit, but its okay... I know things will be as they should and all will be right with the world. I'm not 100% sure what that means as of yet but we will find out soon. I believe everyone is different and feels things differently but I would bear the pain for you if it meant that you didn't have to.

I can honestly say right now that I love my life, certian things may suck at times but we will get through them, together, apart but always get through them. They make us who we are, and who we are going to become down the road.

I know I'm babbling.

So school is starting soon... and I am kind of excited. I just really don't want to answer peoples questions about how or why I screwed up. It's a flaw and I just hope that I am over it now!

So last Friday was date night, with one of the stations danny works for. It was a good time except they kept making fun of him for us not being engaged. i really did feel bad but he didn't believe me! we got a nice free buffet dinner and some money to gamble. I turned five dollars into forty and cashed out... I could have used more money but i figure if you're ahead, you may as well quit now. so it ended up being a good time with the exception of me drinking one beer and falling all over the place :( I'm so pathetic.

work is work. i have come to the realization that i hate my job. they keep taking things away from me. frist my bridal registry position, the lp position, and now even more hours... but i love the people who just got hired get more than those who have been there the longest... but i cannot leave.

today is wednesday i have so much shit to do and to shop for but i am to lazy to do it!
i should start or i'm going to be up late all weekend, due to my ungodly hours at penneys... Friday 1-11 Saturday 8-6 and Sunday which isn't so bad 1-5.

It is so weird. I have not spoken to my parents in a week. Maybe a text or two a day but no phone calls no nothing... I guess I am really not as needed as I thought.

Life has been interesting. Nothing exciting, but nothing dull... just floating along. I was really excited to start classes in September, but now I'm really nervous... I got an e-mail from a professor asking me to meet with him before we start class because he needs to speak with me... great will I break down? I'm sure I will. I really wanted to use this summer as a great learning experience and become a stronger person. That did not happen, I am more emotionally unstable than I think I have ever been. I just do not like that feeling at all. I feel like its killing me.

Friday night is "date" night with people that danny works with. I'm not sure what to think but it ill be interesting i'm sure... of course I will be the youngest one there. as usual.

Today I'm going to go shopping because it is associate day at Penney's... I want to quit my job but these are always good perks.

I just don't know what to say...

The last week has had downs, downs, downs, and more downs... but one up... I am still not really sure how to act right now. I've never seen Danny cry as much as I have in the past week, it killed me everytime.

He is taking this much harder than I expected, assuming to was coming and all... but I cannot blame him. Death is never easy, especially when you have been close to someone your entire life. I spent six nights at his house and its going to feel weird to sleep alone. I don't want to.

Lots of things will be coming to an end soon...
Bad, bad, and more bad...

I cannot believe this hell that I have been through... has it all been for nothing? I really think so!